2004-06-15 - 7:23 p.m.

Caution: Plaintive Yet Uninteresting Hashing Out Of Life Plans Ahead

I'm wondering if I might not be going through some sort of life change (andropause at 27? probably not). I've been writing obsessively in a way that I always wanted to, but never did. I'm exercising almost regularly (almost). I haven't smoked any illicit substances in weeks, and I don't desire to (of course, I've been sick, but still...). I've barely spoken to any of my friends in weeks except for BusyBee, and I've been kind of argumentative with her (sorry about that!). I'm thinking seriously about going back to school, though the still-present student loan debt is a problem. They pay you to do your Master's in some programs though. But I don't want to be a psychologist (that's Rufus Monk, B.Sc.), so I don't even know what I would take. Is this a crossroads or am I just passing through a phase? Will they even let me back into school?

I do know that I can't keep doing this job too much longer. It pays pretty good and it is easy, but it is stressful and hard on my health. I was a healthy guy before I started having to wake up at three in the morning five or six nights a week. I used to stay up until three in the morning. I think I've been in a rut, and not even a very comfortable rut.

I have to make a change. I have to start my actual life, not this weird interim life that I've been living.

What I really want in life, I mean as a career and all that, is to write books. And make music. But I also want to be comfortable, you know, have food to eat and medicine when I'm ill. And a roof over my head. But aside from the starving artist issue, I keep asking myself, if I died next week (and considering my health issues, this isn't entirely out of the question), would I be glad with what I had done with my last few years? When I was going to UVic, I was stressed and busy, but I had a purpose. I felt worthwhile.

When I talked to my mom about this she responded in a very cautious way: “Well, you know, you have a good job. Maybe you should take some night classes, and work on another degree that way?” It seems kind of ridiculous though. There was a time when I had promise. I'm working a job that a very simple machine could do if they wanted to spend the money to develop one (in fact, they have developed one, it's just really expensive as yet). I was a valedictorian; people gave me piles of plaques and scholarships because they thought I would do something with myself; I was awarded a bachelor of science, with distinction! With distinction! I do not feel very distinct!

Okay, okay, I'm starting to rant and I am very tempted to erase the whole super-self-indulgent last bit there. I don't think I'm all that special or unique or better than anyone else. It's just that I have always been able to accomplish... stuff. But since graduating University, I have stagnated. I haven't really accomplished anything tangible. And the longer I stay scared of the attempt, the less likely it is that I will ever do anything at all. I don't think I will be famous or important, and I don't need to be. But I want to be worthwhile, at least. I want to earn this bag of bones with my brain.

I've considered becoming a teacher. Better still, a professor. But as I've lamented, I don't know if I am even capable of such a thing. I am capable of something better than what I am now, though. I know I am.

But here lies the problem. Becoming a graduate student would require networking with profs and other students in order to score myself an advisor. An advisor at whose beck and call I would remain for at least a couple of years. I am not very good at interacting with people in a charming and engaging and intelligent way. I see very little chance of being accepted, especially not at UVic, where space is extremely limited. And I don't really want to go elsewhere, because BusyBee has a guaranteed spot as a graduate student at UVic and I don't want to leave her. So I can either start over completely – go deeper into debt with another bachelor's degree in a subject that I might actually want to devote my intellectual life to and make the painful effort to talk to teachers and prove myself to them – or I can just try to make a go of it out in the real world. You know, find a better job, and get some world credentials. Finish writing a book. Then, if nothing else, I might have something to offer as a crossover student.

Blarg it all, anyway.

Oh shut up, Rufus, you are boring the kind folks.

You're right. It is a sunny, windy day, and I am sitting inside complaining relentlessly at the ether. This has got to be the most boring entry ever. Sorry about that.