2005-02-03 - 6:36 a.m.

>Okay, I Prefer Spring Now

Wow, very thoughtful advice on my ex-girlfriend dilemma the other day, my faithful commenters. I keep rereading that letter and being more and more perplexed. There is this sense that she is hinting at some unwritten information. It is peppered with poetic allusions and "i'm sure you understands." I don't think my memory is good enough to really understand much at all. That said, I'm pretty confident that she is not being stalkerish or anything. But she has definitely carried some sort of flame, I think. (And her partner is also the father of her child, LJ, so he's probably a man).

My tv is showing scary montages.

I've been a little lonely lately, with Bee gone up island again all week to help with her sister's new baby (a boy - 7 lb 8 oz - same as me when I was born). The one other person in town that I spend time with, Leonard, recently moved to the distant outskirts of the city after he and his girlfriend broke up (and now he has an amazing basement suite with brand new everything and a view of the lake plus a new girlfriend). And we were already on pretty opposite schedules. I used to have another person in town that I actually felt comfortable spending time with, but he moved to Vancouver a couple of months ago. I think I need a new friend...

monk-like fellow seeks new friend - Super cool dude seeks a person who likes music, lively conversation, and walks on the beach. Monk is talented at attracting the attention of the most insane person on any bus or street corner. Successful applicant must enjoy music, candy, and playing games (no mind games, just brain teasers). Lemon, Ginger, Cinnamon, Marmalade, Chocolate, or Licorice flavoured people preferred. High tolerance for dumb jokes is also a benefit. Mean People Need Not Apply!

So there I was, cruising along quite happily just a couple pounds above the upper limit of my ideal weight zone, when I go and gain 6 pounds. I mean, I don't really pay attention, I only weigh myself like once a month (the honeymoon period of multiple daily weighings after we bought our very first scale last year is over). But this sudden six pounds is a little alarming. I must get out of my winter malaise. Winter malaise! I'm supposed to love winter. Okay I prefer spring now. Sun/rain mixtures are very cool. Will also stop eating fish and chips. It was tasty while it lasted, but my intestines really can't handle deep-fried stuff anyway.

Yesterday was the anniversary of AC's suicide.

Yeah. Well, here's something I don't usually tell people. I have this old box in my dresser among the depths of junk. In it is a piece of note paper and a grey rag marked with a tiny bit of the blood that I had to clean up. That next day after he was gone, I enumerated the objects that he left behind on that piece of note paper.

A losing scratch ticket, scratched off debris still strewn on his desk calendar
a puddle of blood-like oil
A cup of coffee in an old mug, one quarter drunken
an unbroken ash from his cigarette
his grungy old hat on the passenger seat
a bottle of NyQuil, minus one dose
in the garbage: a cigarette pack, coffee cup, empty Nyquil box and dosage cup
my own shirt left where it was sprawled
the kilns, open slightly
a poppy pin, remembrance day style, stuck in his dashboard
my sheet of hours in front of his chair
2 toothpicks and a pile of ashes
his shoe, with a cigarette butt inside
everywhere, the sharp stink of carbon monoxide

He was my boss, but, you know, we were friends. It was just me and him for all the hours of the day. It seemed that he saw me like a son. He wanted to pass the business on to me. We sang Moondance together to the clanking counterpoint of the kiln racks. The night before he did it, he told me to come in later than usual. I got a call from an RCMP officer before I was finished my breakfast.

Anyway, yesterday was groundhog day. That's when I look at that grey rag and remember how he was not the failure he thought himself to be.

So, yeah.