2006-03-19 - 6:40 p.m.

>Bon Appetit, All Y'all

Ahhhh, welcome madame et monsieur! How delightful it is that you could join us this evening. I fear that you will think me boastful when I observe that there is nothing so pleasant as ending a sunny winter's day with un petit diner a "La Maison du Monk."

Please, please, I insist that you sit here, at my finest table. I shall serve you myself tonight. May I offer you a hot towel, or perhaps an aperatif? Ahhh, I see. Your time with us is limited -- quelle dommage. If it must be so, then I insist that you enjoy my newest concoction. It is known simply as "Freezer Goulash."

You must begin with five ingredients. The foundation: the dregs of several aging bags of frozen spicy wedge fries. Two frozen Schneider's Au Naturel Veggie burgers and the leftover bits from aging bags of frozen vegetables form the core of the meal. Ketchup and sharp cheddar bind the rest together.

The secret to a successful batch of Freezer Goulash is all in the timing. As the spicy wedges sizzle in saturated fat for 17 or 18 minutes, the vegetables and the veggie burgers release their juices in the microwave for 5 minutes and 4 and a half minutes respectively. Meanwhile, the cheese must be grated; the fries must be watched.

As each ingredient finishes it is added to the mix. The veggie burgers are sliced into bite-size pieces, mixed with the vegetables, and tossed with a careful measure of ketchup. The fries release a spicy, greasy aroma into La Maison signalling their readiness. Laid out at the base of a pasta bowl, the highly processed potatoes beg for sweet veggie mixture to be laid on top.

Finally the cheese is spread on top of the rest, and it all goes back in the microwave to melt the cheese and moisten the fries a little. Enfin, c'est fini.

Madame, monsieur, I appreciate your generosity, but I cannot accept so much. Your full bellies and smiling faces are payment enough for me!

But if you insist, we recommend a 35% gratuity. Retournez-vous, s'il vous plait!